Revelations of Time

The wind was like a piercing arrow that blew through my windowpane as I welcome a new day with cold fingers and toes. Looking around, different shades of yellows and oranges have spilled its way into my room, leaving every furniture including myself untouched. The noise from the roosters, the morning blues coming from my elderly neighbor’s house, and the ticking of the clock, I whispered to myself: It is time.

One month, one week, and a day since online classes had officially started. Time reminded me of the existing reality that we are still living in the middle of a pandemic. Flashbacks of the doubts and emotional baggage I need to bring along into this online world came crashing in. Reaping every recitation and tasks but also ripping myself apart into pieces. I always ask why it always has to be this way, a routine that is slowly enveloping me towards darkness.

Already expecting to have the tranquility of my morning ruined, I grabbed my phone to see updates for today’s classes. Instead, a familiar name appeared which captured my attention. The message reads: "Start your day with a smile.” The thumping of my heart accelerated, feeling like it was about to pump out off of my chest. A day's worth of wrinkles was abolished by just a simple text. Looking at the calendar by the door, it has been five months since the day I had my first encounter with Mark, an architecture student whom I met on an online dating app. Even with the distance that separates us, Mark caresses my soul slowly, delicately, and gently. He sends me to heights I never thought I could fathom.

But I had no time to waste. Love is a distraction, especially in times like this. Unconsciously, I glanced at the wall clock to my right, counting the minutes I have to wait to get a glimpse of Mark again. An hour through the second period has gone by and classes are going well. The professor conducted an impromptu quiz that I had completely forgotten about. Baffled and panicked, I resorted to cheating. Cheating is never an option for me but time supposedly spent on studying was spent on other things that made me "happy" temporarily, Mark on top of the list.

Worst came to worst and our professor unearthed our antics. With the majority of us on it, we were immediately given punishments and penalties. We received reprimands as he roared through his screen. I was reminded of how stupid I was to do such thing. I was never the type of person to do that, but because of how disoriented I was in this kind of learning environment, I became a shell of my former self. Not anymore the over-achieving, role-model top student. Not anymore.

Beaten down, I confided my feelings to Mark, telling him I am close to giving up. He then responded with an encouragement and told me that giving up should never be part of the choices. True to his words, I realized how fortunate enough I was to still be able to study despite these troubled waters. A lot of people my age, and even people older and younger than me badly want to be in my position right now. I have absolutely no reason to just give up and let go of my dreams especially when I have reached this far. Mark told me that this is the perfect opportunity to prove to myself and to everyone that I can rise up to the occasion. He constantly reminded me that I will also get through this.

There was a loud silence of the night and I could only hear the fast drops of rain pounding on the roof and the echoes of bliss resonated in the dimly lit room. Dancing to the rhythm of love, Mark called me by different names which makes me feel that I am loved. He constantly reminded me, “to cheat is never an option”, or so he said. Staring wide-eyed at each other, a recognition of fear and guilt resurfaced through the phone’s screen. Pain slowly registered into my heart like a suppressor silencing the loud sound of a gunshot; a needle’s syringe slowly penetrating my skin; and an arrow hitting the bull’s eye. He spoke of a name, but it was not mine.

The wind was like a piercing arrow that blew through my windowpane as I welcome a new day with cold fingers and toes. Looking around, everything reminded me of all the tantrums, breakdowns, and heartache. At the same time, it reminded me of all the triumphs and victories, the laughter and ecstacy. Now is the time to prove to myself that I do not quiver even in the face of the biggest adversity in my journey. I hear the ticking of the clock and let out a brave sigh. Again, I said to myself, it is time.